Post Partum Body Acceptance

I want to admit something to you.

I'm almost exactly 4 months post partum and...

I'm not OK with my body.

That's taboo to say, right? 

All this "but they're worth it", "9 months on/9 months off", "I made a human", talk can make one feel guilty for not being OK with their post partum body. 

Don't get me wrong here.

Cali is MORE THAN worth it.

But that doesn't mean that I have to be OK with my body.

Or does it?

For now?

I've read that my body has to store extra fat for breastfeeding.

My abs are STILL separated.

When T is on the road I have no one to watch Cali so I can go to the gym.

I've been warned that working out too hard can release toxins into my breastmilk.

My butt?

Let's not even talk about where that thing disappeared to...

And you know what's crazy? I worked out my entire pregnancy.

I DEADLIFTED the day I went into labor.

Aside from a few dates with Ben & Jerry's, I ate extremely healthy.

And yet, we're still here.

I'm having to learn to be OK with it for now. And I will get there.

I hope.

It doesn't mean I'll settle for this forever but right now, taking care of Cali is more important.

But I still struggle.

As a woman.

Motherhood is such a selfless undertaking. I have to put aside my wants and desires for the betterment of my child. Eventually that will mean taking care of myself and getting back into the gym. 

Right now, it's all about her and where I am in life doesn't fit in with the gym rat I used to be.

So body weight workouts and walks it will be.

I'll learn to be OK with that.

But I still struggle with acceptance sometimes.