Re-evaluating, Sleep Training, and Gaining Perspective

Oh. Hi there.

Long time, no "see".

How have you been? Over here in our house we've been... well, tired. Tired, but good. 

The past few weeks have proven to be a huge leap as far as Cali's physical development. She's pulling up to stand, starting to scoot around the furniture, sitting up easily, and definitely "voicing" her opinions. It has been such a blessing to be able to watch her grow and gain independence. 

Hard, as a parent, but such a blessing.

These past few weeks I have also learned how my foot tastes. It's bitter, humbling, and a bit salty. You see, pre baby I knew exactly how I would parent. 

We would have a schedule, structure, by the clock feedings, set nap times, and we would never ever co sleep. 

Like, ever. 

And then I gave birth to Cali. One day her stubborness, determination, and strong will, will be positive attributes. But for now? I'm having to learn to adjust my expectations and go with the flow. 

You can say it's my parenting and that it's my fault she's a ridiculously bad sleeper. It's ok. I can take it. You won't say to me anything I haven't already said to myself. And you won't make me feel any worse than I already do. And maybe it's true. I definitely rocked her to sleep a few times and I definitely never let her cry it out. So yeah... maybe I did this.

Or maybe she's just a strong willed child. Or maybe it's a phase. I don't know.

Either way, the fact is, is that we're here. With her not sleeping anywhere other than next to me. 

Yes. You read that right. We're co-sleeping. 

At least, we have been.

It's not working for us right now. For one, T jerks in his sleep and has knocked me in the face a few times so I'm not comfortable with Cali in the same bed as him. That's left us in separate beds and T and I haven't slept in the same bed in weeks. On top of that, I have to go to bed when Cali goes to bed because as soon as I move she wakes up. Every waking moment - and I mean that literally - I have Cali attached to me and I haven't had alone time in too long. 

I need my alone time. For my sanity.

So here we are. We're starting a very rigid schedule hoping that her internal clock will set to it and she'll sleep better. We're also going to try the pick up/put down method for the next two weeks at bedtime to see if that helps at all. I'm fully expecting it to take 3 hours. HA. 

I'm just not ready to let her cry by herself. I'm not sure that I ever will be. But never say never is what I've learned. I do eventually have to get her to sleep by herself, whether that's in my bed or hers. I'm open to changing my mind and opinion because if there's one thing I've learned, it's to keep an open mind and never judge the way another parent does things. 

Because, well, your foot doesn't taste too good.

My Baby and Her Sleep Problems

Today, I am eating my words.

When Cali was first born, T and I knew we didn't want to co-sleep. It is just not something that we're comfortable with. So Cali slept in her crib (albeit pushed right next to my bed) from night 2 at home. 

Night 1 was spent in complete terror so we just took turns holding her all night.

From about 7 or 8 weeks old, I would put her down at 10pm and she'd sleep until about 5 or 6am, eat, then go back to sleep until 8. I told T around month 3 that if every baby was like Cali we could have 100.

Well I'm taking it back. WE CAN'T HAVE 100 KIDS, LOVES.

Cali is currently 19 weeks old (where did the time go????) and about 3 weeks ago decided that she hated sleep. Naps and bedtime alike. 

I have literally tried every method I know of except CIO.

Pick Up/Put Down

Drowsy but awake

Shhh/Pat

Rocking her to sleep

Nursing her to sleep

Driving her around

Throwing her in the K'Tan and walking her to sleep

She wants no part of any of them. 

I'm not comfortable with the cry it out method yet because... well, I'm just not. Maybe one day but at this point in her new life I can't stand to hear her cry by herself in a crib. I'm not sure if that's just me being selfish or if it's a mother's instincts but either way, I'm not doing it yet. 

When I tried the PU/PD method, she simply screams as soon as I put her down. With the drowsy but awake method, she talked to herself in her crib for an hour before I finally got her. The Shh/Pat idea is crap and with rocking and/or nursing her to sleep, she just hangs out in my arms and will do that for 3 hours.

Yes. I actually spent 3 hours in a dark room trying to nurse and rock her to sleep.

Driving or walking her around will get her to sleep but as soon as I move the carseat or take the K'Tan off, she wakes up and wants to play.

She's kicking my butt.

So our routine as of late has been me holding her for every nap and me spending countless hours trying every trick in the book at night until she finally passes out whenever she feels like it.

Last night it was around 1am.

Don't judge. I'm trying.

She is so tired. I know that. You can see it in her eyes. 

But she won't sleep.

I've tried the wakeful period (which seems to be about 2 hours at this point) and putting her down before she gets overly tired. The problem is she always overly tired these days. I've tried different bedtimes; everything from 7-10pm and every 15 minutes in between. We go through the same bedtime routine every night. Nothing is working.

I'm exhausted. She's exhausted. I just want to curl up into a corner and sleep for the next 24 hours.

But I can't won't. 

The only thing I can think of new is putting her in her own room but right now that's not possible because, well, we don't have an extra room in our apartment. That'll have to wait another month.

I have no idea what I'm going to do so if you have any advice, please... HELP ME.

Until then, if you see a blonde zombie with large craters under her eyes and spending an unmentionable amount of time sitting in the car while her kid sleeps or walking around a park for hours on end with baby strapped to her chest, it's probably me.