Confessions of a Former Pregnant Girl

Look, I'll be honest with you. 

I don't really want to share these things with you. They're embarrassing, and gross, and did I mention embarrassing? But I feel like you deserve the truth, ya know? When I first told everyone I was pregnant, people told me all of the normal stuff...

pregnancy glow

morning sickness

swollen feet

weird cravings

I mean, what is pregnancy glow? I actually think the term "pregnancy glow" came about because you sweat bullets all day long but people are so scared of your raging hormones to tell you that you look like your drowning in odorous body fluids so they put a positive spin on it. 

That glow? Yeah. It's actually sweat. Go shower.

Anyways, people told me all of these things. But it was the deep, dark, pregnancy secrets that nobody told me about. The stuff I would've liked to be prepared for! I get it. Nobody wants to share this shame publicly but it would've helped.

So I'm here for you guys. I'll take the bullet and expose my most embarrassing moments so that, hopefully, you can avoid some of yours.

Let's talk urination
One of the most common things that you hear about pregnancy is that you'll pee 1000x a day. Well, I already peed 1000x a day so I wasn't too worried about that. What they didn't tell me was that I might need to pee but wouldn't be able to. Well, easily anyways.

Going to the bathroom when I was pregnant was nothing short of a circus act. I had to sit down, lean to the left, pull up on my belly, and then lift my right foot.

No joke.

I guess Cali was sitting on my bladder and compressing it? Whatever it was, it was a relief after birth to just sit and pee. No contortionist acts needed.

My husband called me a beached whale
 In his defense, he didn't really. He just told me not to get beached.

Is that the same thing?

Either way, he was kinda right. When I hit a certain point in my pregnancy and was laying on my side (particularly in bed) it was really hard to roll back over to the other side. Think cockroach on his back kicking it's legs. That was (almost) me. If you're going to lay down, make sure you have a hand rail close so that you can pull yourself up and/or over.

My abs ripped
Not as in bodybuilding type "shredded", but literally ripped apart. Did you know that could happen?




Around week 14 I started having some really bad abdominal pains. I (obviously) Googled it and freaked out about everything that could possibly be going wrong. After having a mental breakdown to T, he calmed me down and spoke some rationale to me. After calling every doctor I knew, I was satisfied that it was just round ligament pains.

You see, to make room for the uterus, your ab muscles have to stretch and sometimes pull apart which is called diastasis recti. It hurts sometimes and is not fun at all.

Ummm... the wind.
Let's just get to the point here and move on as quickly as possible and then pretend like this never happened.

Before pregnancy, gas was a topic that T and I avoided like the plague. That is, until I couldn't anymore. I couldn't control when I did or didn't... toot. They would just come out - and sometimes loud - whenever and wherever they wanted to. T thought this was hilarious. Mainly because I got so freaking embarrassed by it. For a girl that likes to pretend I don't do that at all, not having any control over it is mortifying.

Just a tip: No matter what I did I still passed gas but I did find that if I avoided fatty foods (avocados, nuts, etc) it seemed to help a little.

Now that we've gotten that over with, let's move on.

Linea Nigra and hairy bellies
Yes. This really happens. Not only is your stomach not completely round like you see in pictures (the baby can be on one side more than the other and make you look lopsided) but you can also develop this very unattractive brown line that runs from your pubic (can I say that on the internet?) bone to your upper stomach.

And if that isn't enough? My stomach grew extra hair.

Gross.

The good thing is the hair went away after birth. The line? Well... it's slowly making it's disappearing act.

Sweating it out
Let's go back to that pregnancy "glow". I can't give you the exact science behind it but I sweat like crazy all day, every day. When T Googled it, it apparently comes from an increase of blood flow to the surface... whatever that means. But the point is, I was always sweaty. I'm usually always cold so this was a definite change for me. I didn't even really have to do anything but for some reason, I was always hot.

I really had to watch what shirts I wore because by the end of the day, I would look like I just ran a few miles. We were even living in Boston during the winter and I still managed to get hot.

Go figure.

Lopsided belly
Let's go back to this...

You know those maternity pictures you see with the skinny girls and the perfectly round stomachs? Well mine didn't look anything like that. Cali was laying transverse with her head on my left side and feet on my right. So when you looked at my stomach, I was extra wide with the left side of my belly a lot bigger than my right.

Also? It moved. I know that sounds like an obvious statement but when you think of feeling your baby move, most people envision sitting on the couch/bed/privacy of your own home with your significant other and you're all like "Oh honey! Feel the baby kick!" and you both smile at each other while you're touching your stomach. Well I never really thought about that I could be pushing the shopping cart around or babysitting an 8 year old and all of a sudden Cali would start kicking and flipping and my stomach was visibly moving. Like I had an alien in there. Craziness.

So those are some of the things - embarrassing and strange but true - that I found out while pregnant. The good news is that at the end of it all, I got a really cute baby, so I'm OK with it. And luckily it's all most of it's passed.

21 Things That No One Ever Tells You Before Your First Baby

***Added 9/11/13... I am overwhelmed by the number of people who have visited my little blog because of this article. I never imagined that this many people would see it! I hope you enjoy it and stay a little while. Feel free to browse my other posts or leave comments! I love feedback :) Have a great day from my little family to yours!***

When I first learned that I was pregnant, I didn't really believe it. T and I had given ourselves a year to conceive because we were in the middle of baseball season and he was gone every other week. Plus, we'd heard that it could take a couple that was actively trying up to 9 months. 

When it only took 1 month I was convinced that the pregnancy test I had taken was expired and faulty. Well, let me be honest. I was convinced that the first 11 tests I had taken were faulty. Then I Googled (ugh) faulty pregnancy tests and learned that there was a brain tumor that could cause raised levels of HCG. Well, I had been having some headaches so yes... that must be what it was. A brain tumor.

My first OBGYN visit didn't alleviate my fears. He didn't do an ultrasound and told me I "may be pregnant but it's early and hard to tell". 

Ummm... OK.

I wasn't having any other symptoms aside from headaches and getting fat. I honestly spent a month after my initial at home test believing that there was a good chance I had a brain tumor and not a baby. I was a little paranoid and suspicious. 

Anyways, once we found a (better) doctor in Atlanta, he did an ultrasound and we got to see our tiny jumping bean in my belly, I finally believed I was pregnant. I quickly found out that when you're pregnant people want to give you a lot of unsolicited advice. They'll advise you on everything from how to get your baby to sleep, what kind of diapers to use, what kind of food you should/shouldn't be eating, how far you should bend over, and what kind of unicorn you should kiss to tell the baby's gender. It never stopped.

After having Cali I decided, that while everyone seemed quick to tell me all sorts of nonsense, no one seemed to want to tell me the real stuff.

So here it is. 21 things that no one tells you before your first baby. 

Before and After Labor

1. Those breathing exercises everyone wants you to do? They're CRAP. They do NOT help lessen the pain of labor. Don't waste your time.
2. Speaking of labor... I had contractions 55 seconds apart from the get-go. When I finally got to the hospital (in an ambulance because I thought I was going to give birth in the car) I was dilated to a ZERO. I had no idea that could happen.
3. When your water breaks, it feels like you're peeing on yourself. It doesn't *gush* (sorry for the descriptive wording) like it does in the movies. (**Apparently, according to commenters, it actually CAN gush! It just goes to show you that every pregnancy is different. Maybe I'll have my own "gushing" experience with the next child. Though I really hope it's not in public!**)
4. Your butt will go numb from sitting in the hospital bed so long after labor. The more you can move, the better.
5. If you go into labor "after hours" the anesthesiologist isn't actually at the hospital. They have to call him when you reach a 4 and it can take him an hour and a half to get there (This may actually vary from hospital to hospital but go ahead and ask just to be prepared).
6. Your baby will not look like a cute cherub all cooing and pink like in movies when it first comes out. They will most likely look like a wrinkly, slimy, mix of an alien and old man.
7. Get thyself some Colace and start taking them as soon as you give birth. That's all I'll say.
8. You'll also want to soak some granny pads and freeze them to have on hand. Just trust me.
9. A hot bath is OK and delightful (I should probably say "ask your doctor" or some such mumbo jumbo but my nurses had me take one 24 hours after delivery and 1 a day for the first 4 weeks post partum). (**According to a nurse in the comments, this advice is controversial. So I actually will say "Ask your doctor"**)
10. You won't actually get tons of sleep in the hospital because the nurses will come in every 30 minutes. Go ahead and stock up now.

Bringing Baby Home

1. You will never be as terrified as you will be the first night you bring your baby home. Feel free to take turns staying up all night holding them and never once laying them in their crib if it makes you feel better.
2. There is a good chance your baby will choke. They won't do it in the hospital where there are nurses and doctors everywhere. No. They'll do it when you're vulnerable and alone at home. Feel free to panic if it makes you feel better but this is completely normal. 
3. The cliche advice of "sleep while the baby sleeps" is bologna. 
4. Even if you're an independent person and don't like people in your space, utilize every available helping hand you can get that first week home. Let them clean, cook, fold clothes, etc, while you hold your new one. They'll soon all forget about you and you'll be left to do it all yourself.
5. Take as many pictures as you want. You'll be a little overwhelmed those first few days home but try to remember to take just a couple of snapshots.
6. You'll still look 6 months pregnant for a while and feel really jiggly. Go ahead and order a Bellefit. BEST. INVESTMENT. EVER. I can't say that enough.
7. Get all your TV watching in now while they sleep 22 hours a day. It will only be about 6-8 weeks before they'll require a lot more attention.
8. Any time some random stranger decides to stop you and tell you how you should be parenting (Which will be every single time you step out in public), try not to hit them. Smile, nod, and walk away. 
9. Your post partum hormones are a doozy. You can't prepare for the onslaught of emotions that will come with giving birth. It's completely normal to feel scared, nervous, and like you're not cut out to be a good parent (If these feelings get worse and not better or last longer than a couple of weeks, talk to someone).
10. That hideous linea nigra? It will still be there up to a year after you give birth. Yeah. I know.
11. The first time you decide to workout (or laugh too hard/climb the stairs too fast/etc) after labor, you'll probably pee on yourself.

So there you have it. The 21 things I felt like you should know before your first baby.

You're welcome.

Oh. And one more...

You'll grow to love this child more than you ever knew you were capable.

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