Seeing the Beauty in the Not-So-Beautiful

It was about 11:30p when T and I headed to bed. About 15 minutes later I was thisclose to falling asleep and I heard Cali start to cry.

Crap.

At this point I'm so tired I could cry. I don't because I'm not a crier but if I were, I would have joined her.

I had been up since about 6 o'clock that morning and hadn't had more than 2 hours of consecutive sleep in about a month. I don't know why she's not sleeping. Teething, possibly, but no matter what it is, I'm. so. tired.

So I get up to get her and sit down to nurse her. One problem. She doesn't want to nurse. She pops straight up and starts "talking" to us. She squirms around looking for T. She resists my attempts to pull her back down to nurse. 

She's told me what she wants. I just want to ignore it. But alas, I can't.

T and I carry her into the den so we can play and get some of her energy out.

How does she have any energy left?? That's what I want to know.

As I'm getting irritated (NOT at Cali. Just simply irritated from my lack of sleep), she starts to play. She's climbing on us, blowing raspberries at us, and laughing. I make a noise and she copies me. I start to whisper, she whispers. I blow raspberries, she blows them back. I kiss her cheek, she kisses mine back.

It hits me then...

There is beauty in this.

Her. My family. I'm so freaking blessed.

The day we brought Cali home from the hospital (AKA the scariest day of my life)

It was that moment that I realized I have to see the beauty in situations that I would normally deem "not-so-beautiful". Yes, I'm tired. Yes, I just wanted to sleep. Yes, my eyes were starting to cross. 

But I'm blessed (so very, very, very, blessed) to have a baby that is healthy enough to wake me up playing in the middle of the night.

Don't get me wrong. Being tired is NOT FUN. Exhaustion is a form of torture in the military. 

For realz.

And I get it. There are very few things in life that I dislike more than being woken up just as I'm falling asleep. Do it for too long and I start to go crazy. But there are also very few things in life that I enjoy more than waking up to my daughter's kisses and smiles. 

Her right leg wouldn't fit in this swaddle anymore.

It's a strange feeling - being so exhausted yet so content.

Yes, they tell you from the moment you announce that you're pregnant how tired you're going to be. That's one of the first things off of everyone's lips. 

"Well, stock up on sleep now because you won't get it for a while"

"Hope you don't like sleeping"

You can just never be prepared for how tired you'll be. Even if your kid's a rockstar sleeper (or so I've been told. I wouldn't know anything about this) there's always something that comes up every now and then; teething, growth spurts, learning a new skill. Then you go back in your memory and recall what everyone said. Yes. They were right. You are tired.

But eventually you just have to find the silver linings and remember how lucky you are to have such an amazing miracle. Especially when they're so darn cute.

So that's what T and I did last night. We laughed with her and enjoyed her company; all the while realizing that the day will come when she probably won't want anything to do with us. You know, when the day comes that we tell her she's not allowed to date until she's 20, or that she can't wear shorts that come above her knees. 

I kid.

But seriously, I'm blessed. I'm crazy in love. And I'm counting my blessings every chance I get. These past 10 months have gone by so ridiculously fast. I feel like we were just bringing her home from the hospital yesterday but instead she's somehow about to be a year old. I don't want to look back on this time and only remember how aggravated I was that she never slept. I want to remember these little moments and how she looks right now. I want to remember how much fun we had together and how incredibly grateful I am for the opportunity to be her mother.

So for now I'm embracing this chapter of our lives. Every kiss, every giggle, every snuggle, every hug, and yes... even the sleepless nights. Because not everyone gets to have what we have and I don't ever want to take it for granted.