9 Things Every Marriage Needs

I know, I know.

"Not another marriage post" is what you're thinking, right? We've all read those lists that consist of trust, honesty, communication, blah, blah, blah.

Not that those things aren't important. They definitely are. But there are other things that I believe keep a marriage chugging along just as much. Granted, some of these are a little unconventional and not everyone is going to agree with me, but here are 9 things that I feel like every marriage needs.

1. Humor - At least one person in the marriage has to be funny. It's a requirement. Ask any of our friends and they'll tell you that my humor is the reason T and I work so well together. If I didn't crack jokes all the time, T and I wouldn't have lasted the 6 years that we have. So if both of you are fuddy-duds, take one for the team and get a sense of humor. It really comes in handy during disagreements. There've been too many times that I'm trying to get frustrated with T but then I start laughing about something that HE said and forget that I wanted to be frustrated. (FYI: T added the emphasized "HE" because he doesn't like to admit that I'm the funny one.)

2. Time Apart - I get that you like each other and that's (hopefully) one of the reasons you got married. You guys may even be just alike when it comes to your interests. But I'm a firm believer in spending some time apart. Hold your horses and don't jump the gun. I'm not talking about living separately or going to clubs 6 nights of the week by yourself. If those are your choices, don't use this post as an excuse for them. I'm simply saying that it helps to spend quality girl time with your friends every now and then. Even alone time works. T can always tell when I need "Whitney Time" when my fuse starts to run short. That's when he knows to get out of the house for a while and let me breathe. This is especially helpful for me during baseball season. I go crazy if my life revolves around his life (which is always. baseball.) so I always try to find things of my own to get involved in.

3. A Reset Button - T and I will occasionally call 'time out' and hit the reset button if we're in a rut. This means that we have to instantly forget whatever grievances each of us have against the other and start new.  After you hit the button you're not allowed to bring those things up again. We don't use it all the time because there are some legitimate issues that need to be worked out, but when we notice ourselves bringing up the same (pointless) topic again, and again, and again, and again, we hit the button. There is a very good chance that T will always (for the rest of our entire lives) have a "wear again" clothes pile that is really just dirty clothes that never make it to the hamper. No matter how many times I nag nicely ask him to pick up the clothes, they're still there. I eventually had to throw this fight out the window and leave it be. I lose. 

4. Make Out Sessions - When was the last time you played "7 Minutes in Heaven"? Not recently. Well, go do it. Now. Go on. WAIT! Finish reading this post first then go do it. You're welcome.

5. A Favorite TV Show - Or board game, card game, activity, whatever. Something that you both enjoy doing together on a regular basis. T and I used to enjoy working out together, and while we would still like that, Cali makes it a little more difficult. So we've adjusted and now when T and I are home at the same time and baby is in bed, I'll (most of the time) turn off "Teen Mom" and let him watch "The Bachelor" instead. ;)

6. Date Nights - These don't have to be fancy shmancy or expensive dates. In fact, I wrote about a lot of (mostly) free things to do in this post. T and I call these our "mini-dates". Most of the time we don't even leave the house. The purpose is just to get rid of all distractions and focus completely on each other and good conversation. This is when you recharge as a couple and (hopefully) remember why you fell in love in the first place. This is different from the activity that you enjoy together because during that, you're focusing your attention on the activity. During the date, all of your attention should be focused on them.

7. Grooming - No, I'm not talking about grooming your marriage - though that's not a bad idea. I'm talking about grooming yourself. Don't go sending me hate mail. I know that all of us are busy and once you're married they're pretty much stuck with you supposed to love you no matter what you look like but I'm here to tell you that a little grooming goes a long way. Ladies: Get your roots done, shave your legs, paint your nails, etc. Guys: Keep your hair trimmed, throw on some cologne, change out of your sweatpants every now and then. You get the picture. Chances are when you met your spouse you had done at least a couple, if not all, of these things. I'm just trying to help you keep the flame alive, folks.

8. Secrets - This is pretty much the opposite of what every marriage counselor in the world will tell you but I'm not talking about real, harmful, secrets. I'm just talking about the old saying "leave something to the imagination". Our husbands miiiiggghht not need to see us wax our chin hairs or dig out our ingrowns. And husbands, we don't need to hear you passing loud gas all of the time or cleaning food out of your teeth on a daily basis. Sure, these things are going to come up now and again and we can't avoid letting them see our private moments forever, but maybe we don't need to make a daily habit of it?

9. PDA - I'm not talking about sticking your hands in each other's back pockets while you walk around the mall (though if you choose to do that you'll get no judgement here) but a little hand holding or a quick hug every now and then is nice. Private intimacy is crucial in a marriage but a little public affection goes a long way

What do you think? What unique qualities do you think are important to marriage?

Flying

This has been an overall crazy week.  Between T traveling, Cali playing the no-sleep game, and some other outside stuff going on, it's needless to say that I could use a breather (or caffeine IV).  So to rest the cobwebs that currently inhabit my brain I decided to share another one of T's writings...

First, he wanted me to explain something to you.  And he wanted me to be extremely clear, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.  

That's what I heard, not what he said. 

 His writing is a...wait for it...poem.  He didn't want others to think that he wasn't a manly, tough guy. 

 What a delicate ego.  

In his defense he is back in school trying to finish his degree and one of the teachers that was willing to work with his schedule is the head of the Georgia Tech Poetry department.  Apparently for today's class, he was supposed to have researched a poem and prepared himself to read it aloud.  Since he missed the last Monday's class due to Cali's 6 month shots he also missed the announcement of the assignment.  Anyway, while in class he sent me a text (obviously not paying attention to class).  Here is that text.

Flying

I don't know much about the world
or the things in it.
Language and words escape me.
Facts and equations await me.
What I do know now, what I can feel now
is Freedom.

Freedom with arms stretched out.
A sense of danger and fear cannot phase
the security and safety his support provides.
Weightlessness. The wind. Happiness.
They envelop me.
For this flight around the yard
is ours to share.

 

I thought it was great. Flying is Cali's favorite thing to do so I felt like he hit the nail on the head.

Sorry ladies...

He's taken.

Until next time!

10 Surprising Things About Being a New Mom

I've known my whole life that I wanted to be a mother. I've always said that I'll take as many kids as God is willing to give me and I can provide for. You see, my parents are "houseparents" at a children's home called the Big Oak Ranch and we've lived there since I was 5. So my entire life I've grown up with at least 10 people in the house, but often times more. The noise and chaos can be a bit much sometimes but you're never bored.

Or, you shouldn't be. 

Even with having grown up around a large family and always knowing that I wanted children, I was never around too many babies so there have been a few surprises! 

OK. There have been a ton of surprises but seeing as how this post would be never ending if I listed them all (since I'm surprised on a daily basis), I'm only going to list a few. 

But here you go. A few things that have surprised me about being a first time mother:

1. How interested I would become in *cringe* bowel movements -  It's inevitable. You're 100% responsible for this tiny, living, human and so therefore you'll be in charge of it's poop. I knew I'd have to change diapers, that's a given, but I didn't realize just how interested I would become in it. I've Googled pictures of it, smelled it, observed the color of it, saved it to show the doctor. Yes, I've walked around with a cloth diaper full of poop in my purse. For someone that used to like to pretend that poop didn't exist, I've become somewhat of an expert.

2. That I would actually enjoy breastfeeding - Look, I know the research, I know what's best for my child, I know it's natural. But never did I ever (HA!) think I would breastfeed. Much less enjoy it. I said up until the day I gave birth that I couldn't imagine doing it. I knew she'd need my milk so I thought I'd just pump it and bottle feed her (which is a totally hard and amazing thing to do for you moms that choose to!) but when the nurses laid her on my chest for the first time, there was an instant change in thinking. She latched on, and we never looked back. We were extremely blessed not to experience any problems so this probably has something to do with why I like it.

3. The fact that I could love my husband more than I already did - T and I have been best friends from the start. We enjoy hanging out and spending our days together and I loved the life we had built with just the two of us. I thought I loved him to my fullest capabilities but, obviously, I was wrong. Watching him and Cali together has expanded my capacity to love more than I ever thought possible. Loving him as a husband and loving him as a dad are two completely different feelings.

4. How much I would miss sleep -  This is another one that you think you're prepared for, but you're not really. At least I wasn't. They say you'll be tired, yada, yada, yada. I had no idea. There was a while there that I started seeing things that weren't there I was so tired. I felt like the walking dead... literally. Like a haze over my eyes where I was living in the world but not completely computing everything that was going on around me. It's brutal. And a form of torture in war. I get it now. But at least I get to stare at her adorable face while I'm sleep deprived. Totally worth it. 

5. The fact that I could think fat rolls are so friggin cute - Seriously. Have you ever seen chunky, baby thighs? Cutest. Thing. Ever.

6. How much I would get peed/pooped on - And not think anything of it. Really. It's like she waits to urinate and blow that nasty crap (literally) until her diaper is off and I'm leaning in. And how do I react? I just wipe it off and keep on keepin' on. Just another day in the life of...

7. How hard it would be to leave her - This one was a doozy for me. I'm not positive if it's because we spend so much time just the two of us during baseball season or if it's something that all moms go through but leaving her in nursery for the first time was BRUTAL. And it wasn't even real nursery. We were at the gym and it was 30 minutes and I was less than 50 yards away. By the time I went to get her I was convinced she liked the nursery worker better than me and that she was mad that I had left her. Obviously I'm crazy but the feelings were there no matter how many times I told myself they were irrational. I can only pray I don't scar her for life with my insanity.

8. How absolutely terrifying it is - From the moment I found out that I was pregnant (and convinced I had a brain tumor), to this very minute I have been terrified. I worry about how she sleeps, how much she sleeps, how she poops, how her hand moves, whether she's laughing enough, whether she's socializing enough, will she like me?, does she know me?, am I going to teach her right from wrong, etc. Again, this probably isn't normal (and definitely not healthy... I know that) but the fact of the matter is that it's a constant struggle for me. I have always leaned towards expecting the worst (which is also something I need to work on) and that didn't change with having Cali. It only intensified. All I can do is hide my fears from her and - once again - pray that she's not as crazy as I am.

9. How hard it is - I'll admit something to you: I probably judged you before I had a kid. I probably criticized the way your kid slept, was dressed, how they behaved, how clean/messy your house was, your relationship with your husband, etc. I read a few books and thought I knew it all. BOY, WAS I WRONG. So here I am... Apologizing to all of you. I'm an idiot and a reformed know-it-all. It's freaking HARD. I'm lucky to make it out of every day with both Cali and I in tact. 

10. How little time I would actually have to myself and not mind - Because even when you're physically by yourself, you're not. You're listening for them to wake up, you're cleaning up after them, you're thinking about their well-being, you're wondering how you'll ever get all of the spit up stains off of your best shirts. It's never ending and I can only imagine it only gets to be more as they get older and mobile. Crap. I'm not even close to being prepared for that. I need to child proof everything now. But you know what? I love her so much that I don't miss the alone time. I didn't see that one coming at all. 

Anyways, as tough and hard and exhausting as it all is... I love her to my very core. 

I'm going to go give up some very precious alone time to stare at her while she sleeps.

Until next time.

Dear Dads - A Letter to the Loving Fathers

Before I start this, I want to preface it with the fact that I understand mothers have a huge role in a child's life as well. I also understand that there are plenty of well rounded individuals who have grown up without a father in their lives and managed to have perfectly happy existences. I applaud the moms who have taken on both parental roles for one reason or another. This is not meant to speak ill of any of these situations. It's simply me, observing the men in my life who have played large roles, noting what an effect they have. With that being said...

T and Cali

Dear Dads,

Do you realize what an impact you have on your child's life? Do you understand that when you're "flying" your baby around the front yard that you're teaching her/him trust and faith? Do you see that every time you stop what you're doing to look your child in the eye and interact with them that you're showing him/her that they're important and wanted? Do you comprehend the fact that each time you step in to take care of their needs that you're telling them they'll always have someone there for them? Do you recognize that every time you find the energy to play after a long day's work that you're telling your kids through your actions that you enjoy their company?

I hope you know.

I hope you can see what a large part you play in their development. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services have conducted studies that show that fathers who are involved and nurturing with their children have higher IQs and better cognitive capacities. The larger the role that the dad plays in a child's life, the more likely it is that the child will be "emotionally secure, confident to explore their surroundings, and, as they grow older, have better social connections with their peers".

Dads. Do you understand what an amazing responsibility that you have been handed? "To whom much is given, much is expected". I admire those of you who take the time and effort to be an active part of your families' lives. Every time I see one of you outside playing and running around with your child, I think how lucky they are to have a dad like you. Each time I watch my own husband (who is a first time dad) step into an unfamiliar situation head first, determined to take part despite his discomfort, I think about how he's showing our daughter how to conquer her fears and take leaps of faith. Every time I think of my own father taking time out of his schedule to take my siblings and I on daddy/daughter-son dates I remember how I always knew that no matter how far I roamed, he'd be there for me when I returned. 

 Me and my dad

Dads, you're so very important. I know that the mother/child relationship is a daunting one to reside beside but good for you! To those that find their own place in their children's lives without shrinking back and allowing the mom to take full responsibility. Kids need a leader, decision maker, head of the household, and rescuer. That's you, dads.

It takes energy when you're all out. It takes motivation when yours is gone. It takes time that you're already pressed for. It takes patience when yours is thin. It takes laughter when the world has drained yours. It takes focus when your mind would rather be somewhere else. It takes a lot. And I'm proud of those of you who have chosen to give it all. You're making a difference.

19 Reasons I Love My Husband

The end of baseball season is finally here. My sister wife has given my husband back...

For now.

However, I'm sure he'll miss his chocolate milk straw.

I mean, really. What a hard life.

T is back in school trying to finish up his degree. He was drafted after his Junior year and has 17 hours left. To say he is freaking out about his first *gasp* quiz tomorrow would be an understatement. It's adorably cute.

We're slowly making our way to our 4 year anniversary and I really can't believe how quickly it's passed. I guess what they say is true...

Time's fun when you're having flies.

That's what one frog said to another.

Muwahaha. I love a good joke.

Anyways, I thought that in honor of having recently re-aquired a husband, I'd stroke his ego a bit and make a list of the reasons I love him. So here we go.

1. He wears chocolate milk straw glasses. Need I say more?

2. He is an unbelievably great dad.

3. He makes me laugh. Since he was across the country when I went into labor, we had him on speaker phone during the process. WHILE I WAS PUSHING A HUMAN OUT OF MY BODY, T says "Man, I'm a little sore from the plane ride". He should be really glad I was feeling too good after the epidural to care. 

4. When he's making protein shakes in the blender, he does a "blender dance" that he made up.

5. He's a visual person so when he's telling me a story, he often uses props to build a "set" so that he can point out things as he goes along.

6. Speaking of his stories... he can make one go on for a loooong time. He's very detailed.

7. He watches football with our daughter.

8. When I'm frustrated with him (which never happens) he will continue to annoy me until I have no choice but to laugh and not be frustrated anymore.

9. His faith is solid and his feet are firm. He doesn't waiver from what he believes to be right.

10. He's really tall so he can clean the ceiling fans. Every woman should have a ceiling fan cleaner...

11. He sometimes tells me the same story multiple times, having forgot that he's already told me.

12. He always (most of the time) smells really good.

13. It takes him about 15 minutes to change Cali's diapers because he's (still) so afraid of hurting her somehow.

14. He works extremely hard at everything he does and never quits before something is finished.

15. He's honest. Sometimes brutally honest. Most of the time more than I want him to be.

16. He jumped out of a plane before he proposed because it was on my bucket list. He hates stuff like that.

17. I get texts like this from him...

18. He's doing Whole30 with me for support.

19. He's my best friend. (Say it together now... 'Awww')

Ok. Enough sappy for one night. I don't want to make his head so big that it won't fit through the door.

But there you go. 19 reasons why I love my husband. There are obviously more but it's late, I'm tired, and he's currently bugging me so I can't focus to write any longer.

:)

21 Things That No One Ever Tells You Before Your First Baby

***Added 9/11/13... I am overwhelmed by the number of people who have visited my little blog because of this article. I never imagined that this many people would see it! I hope you enjoy it and stay a little while. Feel free to browse my other posts or leave comments! I love feedback :) Have a great day from my little family to yours!***

When I first learned that I was pregnant, I didn't really believe it. T and I had given ourselves a year to conceive because we were in the middle of baseball season and he was gone every other week. Plus, we'd heard that it could take a couple that was actively trying up to 9 months. 

When it only took 1 month I was convinced that the pregnancy test I had taken was expired and faulty. Well, let me be honest. I was convinced that the first 11 tests I had taken were faulty. Then I Googled (ugh) faulty pregnancy tests and learned that there was a brain tumor that could cause raised levels of HCG. Well, I had been having some headaches so yes... that must be what it was. A brain tumor.

My first OBGYN visit didn't alleviate my fears. He didn't do an ultrasound and told me I "may be pregnant but it's early and hard to tell". 

Ummm... OK.

I wasn't having any other symptoms aside from headaches and getting fat. I honestly spent a month after my initial at home test believing that there was a good chance I had a brain tumor and not a baby. I was a little paranoid and suspicious. 

Anyways, once we found a (better) doctor in Atlanta, he did an ultrasound and we got to see our tiny jumping bean in my belly, I finally believed I was pregnant. I quickly found out that when you're pregnant people want to give you a lot of unsolicited advice. They'll advise you on everything from how to get your baby to sleep, what kind of diapers to use, what kind of food you should/shouldn't be eating, how far you should bend over, and what kind of unicorn you should kiss to tell the baby's gender. It never stopped.

After having Cali I decided, that while everyone seemed quick to tell me all sorts of nonsense, no one seemed to want to tell me the real stuff.

So here it is. 21 things that no one tells you before your first baby. 

Before and After Labor

1. Those breathing exercises everyone wants you to do? They're CRAP. They do NOT help lessen the pain of labor. Don't waste your time.
2. Speaking of labor... I had contractions 55 seconds apart from the get-go. When I finally got to the hospital (in an ambulance because I thought I was going to give birth in the car) I was dilated to a ZERO. I had no idea that could happen.
3. When your water breaks, it feels like you're peeing on yourself. It doesn't *gush* (sorry for the descriptive wording) like it does in the movies. (**Apparently, according to commenters, it actually CAN gush! It just goes to show you that every pregnancy is different. Maybe I'll have my own "gushing" experience with the next child. Though I really hope it's not in public!**)
4. Your butt will go numb from sitting in the hospital bed so long after labor. The more you can move, the better.
5. If you go into labor "after hours" the anesthesiologist isn't actually at the hospital. They have to call him when you reach a 4 and it can take him an hour and a half to get there (This may actually vary from hospital to hospital but go ahead and ask just to be prepared).
6. Your baby will not look like a cute cherub all cooing and pink like in movies when it first comes out. They will most likely look like a wrinkly, slimy, mix of an alien and old man.
7. Get thyself some Colace and start taking them as soon as you give birth. That's all I'll say.
8. You'll also want to soak some granny pads and freeze them to have on hand. Just trust me.
9. A hot bath is OK and delightful (I should probably say "ask your doctor" or some such mumbo jumbo but my nurses had me take one 24 hours after delivery and 1 a day for the first 4 weeks post partum). (**According to a nurse in the comments, this advice is controversial. So I actually will say "Ask your doctor"**)
10. You won't actually get tons of sleep in the hospital because the nurses will come in every 30 minutes. Go ahead and stock up now.

Bringing Baby Home

1. You will never be as terrified as you will be the first night you bring your baby home. Feel free to take turns staying up all night holding them and never once laying them in their crib if it makes you feel better.
2. There is a good chance your baby will choke. They won't do it in the hospital where there are nurses and doctors everywhere. No. They'll do it when you're vulnerable and alone at home. Feel free to panic if it makes you feel better but this is completely normal. 
3. The cliche advice of "sleep while the baby sleeps" is bologna. 
4. Even if you're an independent person and don't like people in your space, utilize every available helping hand you can get that first week home. Let them clean, cook, fold clothes, etc, while you hold your new one. They'll soon all forget about you and you'll be left to do it all yourself.
5. Take as many pictures as you want. You'll be a little overwhelmed those first few days home but try to remember to take just a couple of snapshots.
6. You'll still look 6 months pregnant for a while and feel really jiggly. Go ahead and order a Bellefit. BEST. INVESTMENT. EVER. I can't say that enough.
7. Get all your TV watching in now while they sleep 22 hours a day. It will only be about 6-8 weeks before they'll require a lot more attention.
8. Any time some random stranger decides to stop you and tell you how you should be parenting (Which will be every single time you step out in public), try not to hit them. Smile, nod, and walk away. 
9. Your post partum hormones are a doozy. You can't prepare for the onslaught of emotions that will come with giving birth. It's completely normal to feel scared, nervous, and like you're not cut out to be a good parent (If these feelings get worse and not better or last longer than a couple of weeks, talk to someone).
10. That hideous linea nigra? It will still be there up to a year after you give birth. Yeah. I know.
11. The first time you decide to workout (or laugh too hard/climb the stairs too fast/etc) after labor, you'll probably pee on yourself.

So there you have it. The 21 things I felt like you should know before your first baby.

You're welcome.

Oh. And one more...

You'll grow to love this child more than you ever knew you were capable.

Follow the family on Instagram and Twitter!

A Letter to My Daughter on Beauty

Dear Cali,

You don't know it yet but your dad and I tell you that you're beautiful every day. And we believe it. We think you're the most beautiful baby God has ever created. But it wouldn't matter what you looked like, really, your dad and I would still think that because you're ours. But as cliche as it sounds, beauty is only skin deep and it's not the be all end all.

Now I'm not going to sit here and pretend that you will never have to struggle with not liking part of yourself. I'm female and I've been a teenage girl before. I know what it's like to look in the mirror and hate what you see; to never be satisfied with how you look. I know how it feels to be on a merry-go-round of over indulgence and guilt. I'd be naive to think that you'll never deal with any of those issues on some level.

I can hope and pray but I know better.

I would love to sit here and say "Don't worry about what you look like on the outside. Be a good person and it'll all be OK". But that's not how the world works is it? People are cruel and people are mean spirited. No matter how beautiful you are or what you look like on the outside, small-minded people will always find a way to bring you down. It's what they do and it has nothing to do with you. People that don't love themselves can't show love to anyone else.

Now that... that is what I want you to learn. How to love yourself.

People in the world have different standards of beauty and you can't be everything for everyone. Society and social media will give you one version, your dad and I will give you another, your friends will have yet another idea of what beauty looks like, and you'll even have your own standards. There are all different variations of people. You have tall and thin, short and stocky, short and thin, tall and thick, medium and medium, etc. No two people are made the same and that's what beauty is. The world is a beautiful place because of diversity. All of us together, our differences, make up beauty. Accept the fact that you'll never be anything other than what God made you, and you will have come a lot further than most.

It's true that I want you to be OK with how you look. No matter what we wish the world was like, it's not a nice place sometimes and to get through it you need to be confident in yourself. I want you to find the parts of your outward appearance that you like and focus on those; forget the rest that you can't change.

But more than that, I want you to be good. You'll hear the phrase "It's what is on the inside that counts" so much that you'll forget to actually listen to it. It has become a cliche for a reason and that reason is that it's true.

Yes. Outward beauty makes the world a little easier. I'll concede to that fact. But you could be the most beautiful person in the world (which I happen to think you are but I'm your mom so I guess I don't count) but if you treat people with hatred or unkindness, people won't stick around very long. So I'll say this to you again...

Be good.

Be accepting of people that aren't just like you. This includes not only how they look but how they think and their beliefs. Stand firm in yours but allow love to pour out to them even if their views don't line up with yours.

Be kind to everyone. Even the people that aren't kind to you. You can't control how anyone else acts or reacts but you can control yourself. So, be kind without expecting kindness in return.

Be generous. You can never give too much; whether it's a helping hand, money, clothes, time, or just a smile. Be generous with the things that you've been blessed with.

Be forgiving. We are forgiven so who are we to withhold that from anyone? Forgive. Always.

Be patient. People and circumstances will not always go your way. Be patient with them and understanding of others' situations. Everyone has a story and you don't know what makes them the way they are.

Be humble. Humility is a fine line. Learn it.

Be honest. Truth and honesty make you a trustworthy person. That's more valuable than a lot of people believe. To be trusted is one of the greatest rewards in life.

Be selfless. Always put other peoples' feelings ahead of your own. The world will tell you differently; don't listen.

And be loving. Love. Love. Love. Love. Love. It makes the world go 'round.

And these things, Cali... These things are true beauty.

Love,
Mom