Midnight Ramblings & Sanctification

 

 

Oh. Hi there.

 

Yes. It's 3:30 in the a.m. and I'm blogging. But sometimes, when I've been woken up 5 times in 6 hours, my body says "You know what? It's easier to just stay awake". And so it does.

 

And so I am blogging.

 

(((Also, DISCLAIMER. Yes, I'm aware that I have more than one child and No, I haven't forgotten about Nash. Mainly because he won't let me. He's the reason I'm awake at this ungodly hour, blogging. But this post is mostly about Cali. Though my thoughts and feelings will probably be the same when Nash is a wild and crazy toddler.)))

 

 

 

I've been thinking a lot these past few days about how sanctifying parenting is. From the very first second that the doctor put Cali in my hands I've said that God created newborns to drive us to our knees to him on a consistent basis.

 

For realz, y'all.

 

Newborns are terrifying.

 

And as Cali grew, the sanctification process only got harder. And scarier. When God created Cali - my sweet, loving, determined, independent, wild, smart, beautiful, Cali - he gave me a task too monumental for me to do well on my own.

 

Seriously. She's too much for me to handle by myself.

 

 

 

I am constantly in prayer over her. Her well being, how to raise her, how to discipline her, how to love her. When I feel like being honest I can admit she is so much like me.

 

Quick story.

 

I distinctly remember in elementary school forming a cheerleading club at recess. I charged the girls a certain amount of money so that I could "buy us matching bloomers and skirts". These kids gave me their lunch money for an entire week, guys. And what did I do with it? I bought candy. And didn't even share.

 

And so I pray. A lot. Because I'm terrified Cali is too much like me.

 

But when I look at her? God, my heart aches from loving her so much. A literally, physical, ache. I have so many hopes and dreams for her. And not the Harvard - Doctor - Straight A Student - All Star Athlete kind of dreams. My dreams involve more of her heart and her spirit. I want so badly for her to remain strong and independent. I hope to God she never loses her desire to push boundaries and explore things for herself. Some may disagree but I love that she questions "Why?" when I tell her to do or not to do something. I admire that she wants to check things out for herself and not just take my word for it. I hope she stays determined and persistent. That she never loses the ability to set her sights on what she wants and to go after it.

 

 

 

 I don't view these as a bad things. I don't see these qualities as ones that need to be "fixed" or corrected. I just hope that they're paired with a love for people, an open mind to those that are different from her, empathy for the hurting, an ability to see her flaws and then do something about them, the ability to recognize when she's wrong and offer a swift apology, a desire to step in and stand up for those that can't/won't stand up for themselves when being wronged, and a love for Christ so fierce and deep that she reeks of it wherever she goes.

 

But therein lies the problem...

 

I have no idea how to teach her these things.

 

Thus, the sanctification process of relying minute by minute on God's grace.

 

One of my favorite authors on parenting, L.R. Knost, writes that "It's not our job to toughen our children up to face a cruel and heartless world. It's our job to raise children who will make the world a little less cruel and heartless". LOVE.

 

 

 

Also, Jen Hatmaker writes in her Book For the Love, "If they don't love Jesus and people, it matters zero if they remain virgins and don't say the F-word. We must shepherd their hearts, not just their hemlines."

 

YES. YES. YES. AND AMEN.

 

amiright?

 

I'll be the first to admit to you that I do a lot of things as a parent that other parents look at and don't agree with. I'm OK with that. I've been blessed (cursed?) with the ability to not care what other people think. For instance. I let Cali sleep in our bed.

 

*Gasp!*

 

I know. But I'm here to say we love it. She is not cuddly by nature and one of the only times we get to cuddle on her is at night. When she's sleeping. And so she's in our bed.

 

Another thing? We encourage her to question our rules and the way things are done. If she wants to negotiate? We're up for that.

 

Yeeessss. I know. I'm aware. I can just hear you all now. "But you're the paaareeeents." But don't worry those pretty little heads of yours. We are firm believers in discipline and boundaries. When we put our foot (feet?) down, it (they?) stay down. But until then? We want to foster an environment where she learns to actually have a relationship with Christ and get to know him and not just follow rules because we say so. We want to teach her that no one (even YOU, Judgy McJudgerson) is right all the time and that we're open to compromise and change. We want her to know that she has a voice and be confident in using that voice.

 

(Though, trust me, I am fairly certain that will NOT be an issue. She LOVES to use that voice.)

 

We want her to see that perfection in any human is not attainable. If it were, the cross would've been unnecessary. We want our parent/child relationship with her to reflect the Father/child relationship we have with Christ.

 

 

 

Are we doing things 100% right? I can guarantee you we are NOT. That's just my guess. But I can also guarantee you that every. single. thing. we do for her is very intentional and is grown from a love so big for her and a desire to help grow her into a woman that loves God as fiercely as she can.

 

That's all I want, really. For her to love God. Deeply, truly, fiercely, love him. Because if that happens, everything else that blossoms from that love will be beautiful.

 

And the parts that aren't so beautiful? Well I just pray that God gives her a child just. like. her. one day so that she can be sanctified too. :)

 

 

 

 

 

 



On Adjusting to Two

 

 

I have officially been a mom of two kids for almost 2 months and boy, let me tell you, there's been a learning curve. Not to mention Tim is out of town for 2 months and we just moved to a new city. Needless to say, some days I struggle to just keep my sanity. Let's not even try for a "Pinteresty" kind of day.

 

Popcorn for lunch? Sure, kid.

TV alllll day? Oh yes. Why not?

PJs to the grocery store? Whatever you want, Cali.

I consider it a good day if I've managed to keep Cali from PICKING UP NASH.

 

I think the thing I've found to be the hardest (after trying to convince Cali to NOT PICK UP NASH) are the little things that I never really thought of. Like trying to put Cali to bed while taking care of Nash's needs. Or cooking dinner while making sure Cali DOESN'T PICK UP NASH (Do you see a common theme?). I'm learning quickly that sometimes I just have to go with the flow and do whatever gets the job done with the least amount of stress on all of us.

 

Like this. This is how I've been getting Cali to sleep every. single. night.

 

 

Ideal? Not even close.

 

Easy, to the point, and how it's getting done? You betcha.

 

Where I really struggle is making time for each of them individually. Even if it's just the little minutes of the day like putting Nash on the bed while I give Cali my full attention during bath  time.

 



Or not falling asleep when I put Cali to bed so I can snuggle on this guy alone for a few minutes.

 



 

And guys, let me tell you, there is such a HUGE amount of guilt when it comes to that for me. I really struggle sometimes with accepting the fact that it's not just me and Cali and our crazy adventures anymore. She doesn't (and can't) get my full attention 100% of the time anymore and it's something we're both learning how to deal with. But on the flip side of that, I also have a ton of guilt when it comes to not being able to give Nash the time and devotion that I gave Cali when she was a baby.

 

It's a back and forth that I'm daily learning to work around.

 

One thing that has been a LIFESAVER for me is baby-wearing. To have Nash strapped to my chest frees up both hands for chasing Crazy Cali around. And part of Cali adjusting to having to share my attention is wanting to do everything Nash does...

 

Like have me wear her again...

 

While I'm wearing him, of course.

 

Oy vey.

 

This child hasn't wanted me to wear her in over a year but one look at Nash in there and it's all "WEAR ME, MOMMA! I WANT ON YOU TOO!"

 

Now anybody that has followed me for a while knows I'm a big fan of the K'Tan. It carries the baby like a wrap but without having to tie it.

 

However, once Cali reached a certain size there wasn't enough support for my shoulders and it KILLS my neck and back to wear her.

 

Enter (drumroll please)

the Wrapy.

 

It's a wrap. You've seen them.

 

You can learn more at their website

www.wrapy.com

 

And you can see reviews of people that have used it here.

 

This one is so soft, y'all.

 

AND I can wear Cali without the stress on my body.

 

See?

 



 

It's hard to see because of the color of her dress but she's strapped on my back with the Wrapy.

 

And she loves it.

 

And I don't feel like I'm leaving her out of anything when I carry Nash.

 

AND, right now, I have discount codes to give you.

 

You're welcome.

 

When you subscribe to my blog before March 1, I'll send you a code to receive 15% off of your order!

 

Now, before you roll your eyes and dismiss everything I've said, let me be straightforward.

 

Yes. They sent me a free one to review.

 

But everything I've said here is my own opinion. Trust me, I've been sent things to review before that you've never seen on this blog. Why? Because I didn't like the product. So you can rest assured that I mean what I say.

 

On that note, both of my kids are magically asleep at the same time so I'm going to take advantage of it while it lasts. Probably for the next 10 minutes or so but hey, I take what I can get.

 

 

 

 

 

My Baby and Her Sleep Problems

Today, I am eating my words.

When Cali was first born, T and I knew we didn't want to co-sleep. It is just not something that we're comfortable with. So Cali slept in her crib (albeit pushed right next to my bed) from night 2 at home. 

Night 1 was spent in complete terror so we just took turns holding her all night.

From about 7 or 8 weeks old, I would put her down at 10pm and she'd sleep until about 5 or 6am, eat, then go back to sleep until 8. I told T around month 3 that if every baby was like Cali we could have 100.

Well I'm taking it back. WE CAN'T HAVE 100 KIDS, LOVES.

Cali is currently 19 weeks old (where did the time go????) and about 3 weeks ago decided that she hated sleep. Naps and bedtime alike. 

I have literally tried every method I know of except CIO.

Pick Up/Put Down

Drowsy but awake

Shhh/Pat

Rocking her to sleep

Nursing her to sleep

Driving her around

Throwing her in the K'Tan and walking her to sleep

She wants no part of any of them. 

I'm not comfortable with the cry it out method yet because... well, I'm just not. Maybe one day but at this point in her new life I can't stand to hear her cry by herself in a crib. I'm not sure if that's just me being selfish or if it's a mother's instincts but either way, I'm not doing it yet. 

When I tried the PU/PD method, she simply screams as soon as I put her down. With the drowsy but awake method, she talked to herself in her crib for an hour before I finally got her. The Shh/Pat idea is crap and with rocking and/or nursing her to sleep, she just hangs out in my arms and will do that for 3 hours.

Yes. I actually spent 3 hours in a dark room trying to nurse and rock her to sleep.

Driving or walking her around will get her to sleep but as soon as I move the carseat or take the K'Tan off, she wakes up and wants to play.

She's kicking my butt.

So our routine as of late has been me holding her for every nap and me spending countless hours trying every trick in the book at night until she finally passes out whenever she feels like it.

Last night it was around 1am.

Don't judge. I'm trying.

She is so tired. I know that. You can see it in her eyes. 

But she won't sleep.

I've tried the wakeful period (which seems to be about 2 hours at this point) and putting her down before she gets overly tired. The problem is she always overly tired these days. I've tried different bedtimes; everything from 7-10pm and every 15 minutes in between. We go through the same bedtime routine every night. Nothing is working.

I'm exhausted. She's exhausted. I just want to curl up into a corner and sleep for the next 24 hours.

But I can't won't. 

The only thing I can think of new is putting her in her own room but right now that's not possible because, well, we don't have an extra room in our apartment. That'll have to wait another month.

I have no idea what I'm going to do so if you have any advice, please... HELP ME.

Until then, if you see a blonde zombie with large craters under her eyes and spending an unmentionable amount of time sitting in the car while her kid sleeps or walking around a park for hours on end with baby strapped to her chest, it's probably me.

My Colitis Kid

So, I just want to warn you before you start reading this post that I will talk a lot about poop. I've never been one to talk about bodily functions until I had a kid then I somehow ended up Googling pictures of poop. It was a fast leap from 0 to 60. I digress...

From Day 1 Cali has been GASSY (she'll hate me for the over share one day, I'm sure). Her gas, however, didn't seem to bother her so I just laughed nervously hoping no one would think it was me. 

Yes.

It was that bad. 

But then around Week 2 of her life my poor, sweet, angel would suddenly scream for no reason. It terrified me. It took me all of 24 hours to realize that the screaming was followed by a very loud ...poot?... and then quiet until another episode. After putting 2 and 2 together I sought the help of my dear frenemy Google. Google and I have a love/hate relationship because while it once led me to believe that my pregnancy was instead a brain tumor, it also helped me figure out what to do about Cali's sensitive tummy. After reading everything I could find I decided to start an elimination diet. I suppose that's one was to lose the baby weight. Two weeks into the diet I discovered that dairy and tree nuts were the culprit for my kid's horrendous gas pains. Problem solved.

 My dad trying to burp her during one of her episodes.

Or, I thought.

When Cali was about a month old I noticed her poops turned green. 

*Back to Google*

I tried everything. Another elimination diet, correcting hindmilk/foremilk imbalance, laying on my back to ease an overactive letdown, etc. Nothing worked. Her poops stayed green. However, she was gaining weight properly and seemed happy so I sat back and hoped it would pass.

Fast forward about 2 weeks to when I got the scare. of. my. life.

I went to change her diaper and there was blood in it. 

Naturally, I panicked.

No. That's putting it lightly.

I PANICKED.

I told T and we took her to the Pediatrician pronto. She explained that it was probably a fissure (WARNING. DO NOT Google that) and it would go away in about a week. 2 tops. So we went back home and I tried to wait patiently, all the while giving my child's most intimate parts a thorough exam every diaper change. 

***I could post a picture of her bloody diaper here because, yes, I have one but I'll spare you***

Fast forward another 2 weeks. Still blood.

At her 2 month checkup I let the Ped know that she still had bloody stools. She agreed that if it was a fissure (you didn't Google that, right???) it should've gone away by then and so it had to be something else. She didn't seem worried enough to satisfy me but since Cali didn't appear to be in pain, was still gaining weight, and there were no other symptoms, I had no choice but to go along with her plan. We decided that I would take a sample of her poop (Yes. You read that right) and send it to the lab to be examined. 

So we went home with a biohazard bag in tow to catch some poo. The guy at the lab told me to put plastic wrap in my child's diaper to catch a sample. People, if you ever have to take a sample of your kid's crap DO NOT DO THIS. It went everywhere. I was cleaning up runny, newborn, crap for an entire day. Off my clothes, off the carpet, off of her, off our dog. It was gross and I almost puked but decided I was already cleaning up crap, I didn't want to clean up puke as well.

Anyways, after dealing with that ridiculous nonsense, I was getting Cali ready for bed that night and I opened up her diaper to what looked like a friggin crime scene. Bloody diarrhea. Everywhere. 

We took her to the E.R.

After xrays, ultrasounds, tears (from both of us), IV's, blood work, more tears, stool samples, lab work, and even more tears, we were told that nothing major was wrong with her and her insides looked to be fine. Aside from excess gas in her stomach (which we already knew because she's gassy), she seemed to be fine and they sent us home. 

The next day I called the Ped back because no one seemed to be worried enough about blood coming out of my child's rear-end. I bullied begged her enough that she eventually promised to call a GI specialist and get back to me. 

We'll skip forward a couple of stressful days and we were finally told that she had Colitis and I needed to eliminate soy, gluten, dairy, and eggs. 

 Goodbye dear friends.

I had done the elimination diet but had only eliminated one food at a time. Obviously it was more than one that was causing the problem hence why we were still getting bloody diapers.

Let's recap: I now cannot eat tree nuts, soy, eggs, dairy, or gluten. So, basically, I can have meat, veggies, and avocados. Lots and lots of avocados. They're my one bright spot in the diet...

Anyways, it's hard and at times frustrating but so very worth it for her. I'll go more into why I chose to breastfeed through all of this but that's another post for another day. For now I live off of berries and grass and find a sick joy in every bloodless, yellow, diaper that I change.

3 month Cali!

I cannot believe my little girl is 3 1/2 months old. I don't even know what to do with myself.

She's slowly discovering her toes.

She's laughing out loud (oh how cute!).

She looooves bath time.

She's drooling like crazy.

I had to get rid of all of her 0-3 month clothes *tear*.

She gets super irritated when she moves her legs but doesn't go anywhere.

She smiles every time she sees herself in the mirror.

She is obsessed with the ceiling fan. 

Won't keep her hands out of her mouth! 

I adore her...still. 

:)

I'm still learning how to use the manual mode on my camera so pardon the bad pictures for a while.

T is on a road trip so it's just me and Cali for 4 days. It's always sad to see him go but we love that he's chasing his dream! He's such a great daddy and husband. I'm blessed.

Until tomorrow.

-Whitney